Letting go and embracing

Rainbow Nuala

playing with homemade playdough

I have been finding recently that I have issues with being a full time stay at home mom. Ever since I started having children I have worked, at least part time. I work opposite shifts to my husband, worked nights, weekends, holidays. As a nurse it worked out well, I could pretty much pick my schedule, worked per diem float and got paid well. Everyone wants a nurse who wants to work the night shift, who will go to any floor, and who will work holidays. I felt like my work was important, and that it really mattered if I showed up.
It has been 4 years now since I have worked outside the home. After we moved back to Arizona from Maine we were finally in a position that I didn't need to work. And so I jumped at it. I had wanted to be home full time for, well forever. Now, though, I feel like... do I matter? Does it matter that I make playdough, clean the house, do the dishes, bake bread? I know it is lame, but I feel like I am lost in the house. I get really defensive about what I do. I don't want to shout it from the roof tops or something, honestly I am not sure what I need. I know as a society we pay a lot of lip service to parenting. I mean every place you look someone is blaming parents (usually mothers) for how "kids these days behave" or how important it is to have a safe stable home life and how important it is that parents spend time, not money on their kids... but the reality is, is that really we value money and stuff over people and time.
Recently I posted a link on Facebook to this sorta funny piece a woman wrote regarding not being "in the moment" with her kids. And my brother commented on it and I bit his head off. I was hyper defensive. I am with my husband as well, like don't EVEN suggest that I should do more or that I'm not doing enough. Your comment can not even maybe be construed that way, and I can construe so be careful! My husband probably feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.
Maybe it is all the hormones getting back to normalish, Nuala is 7 months old now. Maybe it is that I just turned 42 and I am wondering... what is going on in my future. Maybe it is that we are done having kids and when this last wee babe grows up (which, by the way, is happening WAAAAAY too fast) then what is my role, what is my job, why am I here? I am not sure I want to go back to being a floor nurse.
I am not even sure what this post is about. I guess I need to let go, let go of what I think society thinks I need to be doing. Let go of all the pressure I put on myself, then when it gets to be too much I shut down and stop functioning at my best. I need to embrace this life, as it is right now. All of the messiness, imperfectness of it, all the moments I miss for being overwhelmed. But it is hard sometimes, but what in life isn't hard? Right? Aren't all the best things a bit of a challenge? Maybe not, maybe that is part of the problem, maybe life isn't suppose to be so hard, maybe that is my brain's problem.