Life can have a way of throwing the wildest stuff at you when you least expect it. It has taken me some time and thought on whether or not I should share this. I am not sure what it all means, or if it will help anyone, or if it will just help me. About a month ago we found out I was pregnant. We had a few happy days before I started having a miscarriage. We only told a handful of people, we hadn't even told the grandparents yet... we were saving that for Easter, when everyone was together. To be honest, I was over the moon. But I usually am, I love being pregnant, I love having babies. I could have 100 children, I really could. Since hardly anyone knew I spent a lot of time wallowing in my grief, eating poorly, sleeping poorly, treating myself badly, wondering what on Earth is the matter with my body... why have I had so many miscarriages? Not wanting to talk to people because honestly I didn't want to hear the things they would say... "be grateful you have the children you do" or "it was god's will" or "what? pregnant again? what is the matter with you?" I wanted people to be happy with me, and when I lost the baby to be sad with me. Being the mama of a big family is a bit of an oddity in this day and age, and all sorts of people have something to say about it. Normally I just act like a duck, let it all roll off my back. To each their own, you walk your path and I will walk mine... but this, this death thing, this losing another baby, sometimes it is just too much. I don't want to hear it is for the best, or that it was technically a blob of cells, because if I am truly honest the minute there are two blue lines I am over the moon in love. They are no less loved then the 6 children who are Earthside with me, the 6 children who drank my milk, cuddled in my arms, spent 40 + weeks in my belly... back before I had kids I wondered how on Earth do you love more than one child? How do you divide up your heart like that? You don't... the amazing thing is is that it grows. My heart is huge and full to bursting with love for my children and each new little soul that has graced our lives just expands that love. SO those 4 little teeny tiny babes that never made it, they grew my heart no matter that they only lived inside of me for a few weeks or months.
So life has this way of throwing curve balls at you, it makes you think and ponder, it gives you things and takes things away. Sometimes the saddest times are the greatest times for growth. While I have been wallowing, hiding with food and the internet, I have been researching becoming a postpartum doula and training to become a lactation educator. Trying to take my sadness and using it in a way to help celebrate others joyful occasions of welcoming a new life into the universe. I found an organization that I am really happy with, and fingers crossed, by the end of the month I will be all signed up. And hopefully in 3 years or less I will be helping mamas and babies (and papas too), honoring this most precious gift, the gift of children.
