I was almost done, just a couple rows from the finish line. I tried it on Fiona and OH my! Waaaaay too small. So I frogged the whole thing, bought the pattern to get the larger sizes and started over. The yarn is so lovely and the pattern so simple that it isn't too heart breaking to have to do it all again. I have decided to use the same yarn for projects for Fiona, Nuala, and Audrey but do something different for each of them, so it is matchy, but not too matchy. Which actually makes it a bit more exciting, I have two more patterns to find and work on.
The blanket has not been added to at all this week. It is easy but slow going, 160 stitches per row... ugh!
Yes, I know... we are well into September and I still am not finished with the planning. I can't seem to get it right, where we have time for doing stuff out in the world, but also staying home and doing stuff here too. I feel very all over the place. All these ideas/rhythms/plans floating around in my head and just feeling overwhelmed by the shear amount of stuff that seems to need to be packed into so many days of the week. As the boys get older they want to actually DO stuff... soccer, gymnastics, park days twice a week, computer code club twice a week, and of course hanging out with friends. BUT I have noticed that when we are constantly running that the girls start freaking out, and if I am honest so do I. I need down time, the "breathing in" time. SO I have pulled out all the planning/organizing goodies and have restarted. I will get this, I will.
Joining Taryn from Wooly Moss Roots for Gratitude Sunday. A time to slowdown, to reflect, to be grateful. A list of gratitudes.
~ Homeschool Park days starting up again
~ Much needed heavy, soaking rain
~ Nuala crawling on her hands and knees, it is so sweet
~ Getting all the camping gear together
~ Sunshine through the windows into the living room
~ Time to knit each day
~ Lovely marigolds
~ Pumpkin time!!
I have been finding recently that I have issues with being a full time stay at home mom. Ever since I started having children I have worked, at least part time. I work opposite shifts to my husband, worked nights, weekends, holidays. As a nurse it worked out well, I could pretty much pick my schedule, worked per diem float and got paid well. Everyone wants a nurse who wants to work the night shift, who will go to any floor, and who will work holidays. I felt like my work was important, and that it really mattered if I showed up.
It has been 4 years now since I have worked outside the home. After we moved back to Arizona from Maine we were finally in a position that I didn't need to work. And so I jumped at it. I had wanted to be home full time for, well forever. Now, though, I feel like... do I matter? Does it matter that I make playdough, clean the house, do the dishes, bake bread? I know it is lame, but I feel like I am lost in the house. I get really defensive about what I do. I don't want to shout it from the roof tops or something, honestly I am not sure what I need. I know as a society we pay a lot of lip service to parenting. I mean every place you look someone is blaming parents (usually mothers) for how "kids these days behave" or how important it is to have a safe stable home life and how important it is that parents spend time, not money on their kids... but the reality is, is that really we value money and stuff over people and time.
Recently I posted a link on Facebook to this sorta funny piece a woman wrote regarding not being "in the moment" with her kids. And my brother commented on it and I bit his head off. I was hyper defensive. I am with my husband as well, like don't EVEN suggest that I should do more or that I'm not doing enough. Your comment can not even maybe be construed that way, and I can construe so be careful! My husband probably feels like he has to walk on eggshells around me.
Maybe it is all the hormones getting back to normalish, Nuala is 7 months old now. Maybe it is that I just turned 42 and I am wondering... what is going on in my future. Maybe it is that we are done having kids and when this last wee babe grows up (which, by the way, is happening WAAAAAY too fast) then what is my role, what is my job, why am I here? I am not sure I want to go back to being a floor nurse.
I am not even sure what this post is about. I guess I need to let go, let go of what I think society thinks I need to be doing. Let go of all the pressure I put on myself, then when it gets to be too much I shut down and stop functioning at my best. I need to embrace this life, as it is right now. All of the messiness, imperfectness of it, all the moments I miss for being overwhelmed. But it is hard sometimes, but what in life isn't hard? Right? Aren't all the best things a bit of a challenge? Maybe not, maybe that is part of the problem, maybe life isn't suppose to be so hard, maybe that is my brain's problem.
Finally, finally I want to knit again, NEED to knit again. I am working on a super simple garter stitch blanket for one of my sons for christmas. I am using Knitpicks Cotlin and 9 different colors, each stripe being one skein of yarn big. So far I am on skein 3. I made one of these for Nuala before she was born (but I used wool) and Cae just loved it and has been wanting one for awhile. Since it is such an easy knit it is something I am working on at night when I don't have to think much. BUT, because it is so easy it is sorta boring, and since I feel the urge now to knit again I decided to start on a couple of sweaters. One for Fiona and one for Nuala, matchy matchy sweaters! I bought some yarn off of a friend in a lovely variegated pink and I am making the girls this vest, it is super simple and very sweet and uses BUTTONS! Fiona and I have been looking on Wooly Moss Roots Etsy shop to see which lovely buttons I should use. I am leaning towards the purple heart buttons, but Fiona loves the fabric buttons with the flowers. I might be forced to order both!
My reading as been focused almost completely on my Breastfeeding counselor "Breastfeeding Physiology" book, and when I am not reading that I actually have been reading the Waldorf Kindergarten snack book (weird I know, but it is full of info as well as recipes).