Thursday, April 18, 2013

Life



Life can have a way of throwing the wildest stuff at you when you least expect it. It has taken me some time and thought on whether or not I should share this. I am not sure what it all means, or if it will help anyone, or if it will just help me. About a month ago we found out I was pregnant. We had a few happy days before I started having a miscarriage. We only told a handful of people, we hadn't even told the grandparents yet... we were saving that for Easter, when everyone was together. To be honest, I was over the moon. But I usually am, I love being pregnant, I love having babies. I could have 100 children, I really could. Since hardly anyone knew I spent a lot of time wallowing in my grief, eating poorly, sleeping poorly, treating myself badly, wondering what on Earth is the matter with my body... why have I had so many miscarriages? Not wanting to talk to people because honestly I didn't want to hear the things they would say... "be grateful you have the children you do" or "it was god's will" or "what? pregnant again? what is the matter with you?" I wanted people to be happy with me, and when I lost the baby to be sad with me. Being the mama of a big family is a bit of an oddity in this day and age, and all sorts of people have something to say about it. Normally I just act like a duck, let it all roll off my back. To each their own, you walk your path and I will walk mine... but this, this death thing, this losing another baby, sometimes it is just too much. I don't want to hear it is for the best, or that it was technically a blob of cells, because if I am truly honest the minute there are two blue lines I am over the moon in love. They are no less loved then the 6 children who are Earthside with me, the 6 children who drank my milk, cuddled in my arms, spent 40 + weeks in my belly... back before I had kids I wondered how on Earth do you love more than one child? How do you divide up your heart like that? You don't... the amazing thing is is that it grows. My heart is huge and full to bursting with love for my children and each new little soul that has graced our lives just expands that love. SO those 4 little teeny tiny babes that never made it, they grew my heart no matter that they only lived inside of me for a few weeks or months.
So life has this way of throwing curve balls at you, it makes you think and ponder, it gives you things and takes things away. Sometimes the saddest times are the greatest times for growth. While I have been wallowing, hiding with food and the internet, I have been researching becoming a postpartum doula and training to become a lactation educator. Trying to take my sadness and using it in a way to help celebrate others joyful occasions of welcoming a new life into the universe. I found an organization that I am really happy with, and fingers crossed, by the end of the month I will be all signed up. And hopefully in 3 years or less I will be helping mamas and babies (and papas too), honoring this most precious gift, the gift of children.



11 comments:

Marcy said...

Darling, I share your sadness. My heart is with you. That being said, I'm so happy you've found a path that seems to be headed in the right direction for your Doula dreams. You will be/are amazing xoxo

Debbie Jones said...

Thoughts and prayers with you. I totally know how you feel...lots a pre-born baby over twenty years ago and still have a hole in my heart, even with four, healthy, living children. Thanks for sharing your heart.

sustainablemum said...

My thoughts are with you my lovely at this really difficult time for you and your family. I had suspected that all was not well with you as your blog had been quiet for a while. I wish you well will your new exciting venture.

Rachel Garner said...

I cannot begin to imagine the feeling of loss over a child born or not. Deepest condolences...

Lori ann said...

i am so sorry sweetie, these sound like all the things i say too. the heart does grow and i fell in love at those two blues lines too. sending hugs and love.
(i thought to be a doula for a long time, just never did! you will be awesome).

Katharina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katharina said...

Oh, I'm so sorry for yor loss. I can only imagine how heart breaking this must be. I didn't know about it when I just awarded you the "Liebster Award" but maybe this little thing might take your mind off things at least for a little while.
If, like me, you don't really know what that is, check it out here: http://kathatravelling.wordpress.com/2013/04/19/liebster-award/ I liked the idea and though it was a nice way to promote each others blog :-)

Katharine Blair said...

Thank you go your story. I wish women talked about these feelings more. When we lost our baby three years ago very early into the pregnancy I mourned for a long time. The little boy born a year later did little to assuage that sadness and I wear a little gold knot ring with my wedding ring to remind me everyday. When I miscarried no one knew but the friends who had to watch the other children while I went I the hospital an my dad who found out through the kids. I realized I ha lost something in not having people know, people to lean on when the baby passed. Thank you. There are no words. Hug your babies and never stop counting this one among your children. Your heart knows they were yours from the start.

SuzyQ said...

I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you. Losing a baby is such a painful thing. Sending prayers and lots of love.
xx

October Rose said...

I have never lost a baby, and I cannot imagine what you are going through. Thoughts and prayers.

Kymberly said...

I've never been blessed with children, so I can't imagine the pain of losing one. My prayers are with you. I love how you are turning your pain into something so beautiful.