This last week was rough, I mean really rough. I am worn to the bone. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. Pregnancy depression is hitting me hard and I am wondering... is this a HUGE mistake? What was I thinking getting pregnant in my 40's?? I have 6 healthy children, why am I tempting fate?
I have cried a lot and been alone a lot. I feel like I am lost.
And I think part of this is because I am afraid to ask for help, I mean real help. I think the way we have set up society in these little isolated "nuclear families" leaves much to be desired. I feel vulnerable and scared. How do you really truly ask for help? When the expectation is that you NEED to be strong and do it all yourself. There is such a stigma on needing help in this country. I think many people need more community they just don't know how to make it happen, how to ask or who to do it with. Because your not suppose to need anyone. Your suppose to be independent. In reality we are not, we all depend on each other, but we have to keep up this facade that we are perfectly happy doing it all alone.
But the thing is, I am not happy. I am lonely and sad and feel isolated. My nausea and overwhelming tiredness and bizarre car sickness (even when I am driving) makes it hard for me to go anywhere or do much of anything. I want to ask for help, but everyone seems to always have their shit together, and I am over here flapping around like a fish out of water. My house is a mess, we are eating poorly (in fact I must confess we are eating waaaaaay too much fast food because cooking makes me feel terrible, most foods turn my stomach, and I am too tired to care most of the time), all of the things I want to be doing (like the pool, and hanging with friends, and books I want to read and need to read, and knitting projects and canning etc etc etc) are just sitting undone as I bury myself in Netflix and naps. The kids are on the computer ALL THE TIME.
I just keep telling myself I am 10 weeks now, just two more weeks, we can do this... two more weeks and this will pass. But I feel like it shouldn't have been this way. I should have reached out, embraced the interdependence, shared my vulnerability, asked for the help we needed... the help I needed. Being a mama is hard, feeling like crap is hard, doing it all alone sucks!