Friday, June 28, 2013

Independence and Interdependence

This last week was rough, I mean really rough. I am worn to the bone. I feel like a failure as a mother and a wife. Pregnancy depression is hitting me hard and I am wondering... is this a HUGE mistake? What was I thinking getting pregnant in my 40's?? I have 6 healthy children, why am I tempting fate?
I have cried a lot and been alone a lot. I feel like I am lost.
And I think part of this is because I am afraid to ask for help, I mean real help. I think the way we have set up society in these little isolated "nuclear families" leaves much to be desired. I feel vulnerable and scared. How do you really truly ask for help? When the expectation is that you NEED to be strong and do it all yourself. There is such a stigma on needing help in this country. I think many people need more community they just don't know how to make it happen, how to ask or who to do it with. Because your not suppose to need anyone. Your suppose to be independent. In reality we are not, we all depend on each other, but we have to keep up this facade that we are perfectly happy doing it all alone.
But the thing is, I am not happy. I am lonely and sad and feel isolated. My nausea and overwhelming tiredness and bizarre car sickness (even when I am driving) makes it hard for me to go anywhere or do much of anything. I want to ask for help, but everyone seems to always have their shit together, and I am over here flapping around like a fish out of water. My house is a mess, we are eating poorly (in fact I must confess we are eating waaaaaay too much fast food because cooking makes me feel terrible, most foods turn my stomach, and I am too tired to care most of the time), all of the things I want to be doing (like the pool, and hanging with friends, and books I want to read and need to read, and knitting projects and canning etc etc etc) are just sitting undone as I bury myself in Netflix and naps. The kids are on the computer ALL THE TIME.
I just keep telling myself I am 10 weeks now, just two more weeks, we can do this... two more weeks and this will pass. But I feel like it shouldn't have been this way. I should have reached out, embraced the interdependence, shared my vulnerability, asked for the help we needed... the help I needed. Being a mama is hard, feeling like crap is hard, doing it all alone sucks!


6 comments:

Tracey said...

I am sending you the biggest hug across blogland! You poor dear. First of all you need to give yourself some slack, you are making a person, that's a big deal! And yes, it is harder the older you are and that's okay. I am so sorry you are are sad and truly wish we were closer so I could help you. Is there no one close by that you could ask for help? I believe we all need each other and that we weren't made to be alone in this world.

As far as canning, reading, ect, all that stuff will be there, it will, for right now why not allow yourself to just take it easy, allow this baby to grow and you rest. This is just a short season in you life and it won't always be there. Much love to you Heather.

karen said...

I agree with what tracey said! You are being very hard on yourself. You must ask for help from family and friends. If any of them asked you for assistance you would drop everything to help. Well-that is what is out there for you :) It could be as simple as someone visiting and having a cup of tea with you or maybe you could catch a nap. I'm sending you healing strength and hoping the nausea goes away. I think that is the very worst part of pregnancy. Also maybe give each child one job to lighten your many jobs :)

take care, and we are here listening to you, you are not alone.

San said...

Hugs and prayers for you. It is Ok to opt for not so healthy eating options and TV is always a life saver in these situations.

There is no shame in asking for help and I really hope things settle down soon.

San xx

momto5 said...

Thank you all so much. I can't tell you how much those words meant to me. I have been in a serious wallow lately. Just feeling heard helps. I do love blog land. <3

aka Jules said...

I'm not pregnant, but I'm closing in on 40 now with one 3 year old AND damn, a lot of what you write her tings (is that a word?) at my heart in such a way. I too feel the isolation, the loneliness, the absence of community, the guilt that I should be able to do it all myself (just one kiddo, after all) and I find these blue days hit hard. and recently, I've even been asked for help (by a relative going thru chemo for pete's sake) and I wonder where are my reserves? I should feel so grateful and yet, I feel so much guilt for feeling a bit of self-pity.

sister, I hope you are finding the places inside you to have compassion for exactly what sits on your plate. it's A LOT!! and i hope you turn that second trimester corner feeling ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!

in the meantime, hugs. (sorry I've been away for so long that this is the first time to say, CONGRATS!!!)

aka Jules said...

I'm not pregnant, but I'm closing in on 40 now with one 3 year old AND damn, a lot of what you write her tings (is that a word?) at my heart in such a way. I too feel the isolation, the loneliness, the absence of community, the guilt that I should be able to do it all myself (just one kiddo, after all) and I find these blue days hit hard. and recently, I've even been asked for help (by a relative going thru chemo for pete's sake) and I wonder where are my reserves? I should feel so grateful and yet, I feel so much guilt for feeling a bit of self-pity.

sister, I hope you are finding the places inside you to have compassion for exactly what sits on your plate. it's A LOT!! and i hope you turn that second trimester corner feeling ON TOP OF THE WORLD!!!

in the meantime, hugs. (sorry I've been away for so long that this is the first time to say, CONGRATS!!!)