Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Truthful Tuesday: Learning to chill

I have an issue with chillin'. I can't seem to just sit still and let stuff be. I ruminate A LOT, and fuss with stuff and I am FOREVER picking up or doing something. Even on days when I swear to myself I will just let things be, I can't seem to help myself... I am up messing with things.
And my poor brain, it never gets a break. I am never an empty vessel of calm thoughts or no thoughts. Things are always flying around in there, flitting from one thought to the next, "what about this? no wait, what about this? NO wait, what about THAT!?" I told Mike the other day that thank goodness for my uncontrollable thoughts, because that is why this house is not a disaster zone. To quiet my mind (sorta kinda) I keep my body busy cleaning, ALWAYS cleaning something. When there are family issues, watch out! I am after those bathrooms, scrubbing toilets is as good as scrubbing my mind (not that my house can pass a white glove test by any stretch).
I so desperately want to just be able to put my feet up, have a nice cup of tea, and knit something, or read a book, or laugh with the kids, or have a chat with my dear lover... and yet day after day after day for at least a good decade, I am all over the place. I keep searching for that ONE magic thing... that thing that will do the trick that will help me chill. That book, or rhythm, or schedule or SOMETHING!!! It is so elusive, the chill.
And, yet, I will still search for it. The ability to just sit and enjoy the chaos of life instead of forever trying to tame it.


sustainablemum said...

How tiring for you always on a search. I am great believer in making peace with who you are, being happy with yourself can bring an inner calm.

fairymom said...

I can really relate. I'm like this most days. The days where I'm unmotivated to do anything (basically me trying to "chill" and just be in the moment) my mind is still going and I usually end up flustered that "I haven't done anything". I'm working on accepting "me" as this is who I am. And my perceptions about you I *should* be are not based on who I am. Being busy, productive, makes me feel accomplished. Now to quiet my own inner voice just a bit, maybe to a more reassuring voice, would be nice.

Mama Gone Green said...

You sound EXACTLY like me. lol