Monday, July 16, 2012

It's OK to grieve

I have had three miscarriages. Each of those babies was wanted. We loved them all as soon as the pregnancy test came back positive. Each loss was devastating. I think it makes people uncomfortable when someone grieves a loss of a child that no one could see. I remember after my first miscarriage people at work saying "Well, be grateful you have a child" like some how i wasn't grateful. But I was grateful for my dear Audrey Jane, that doesn't take away from my sadness over the loss of this other baby we had tried so hard to conceive. My other two miscarriages were early on, about 8 weeks and one after another. Again, people seemed to be at a loss as to what to say, some how just saying "I'm sorry" didn't seem like enough, they had to again throw in the "Be thankful" bit, or "it is in a better place", or "well, maybe god is trying to tell you something" or "don't you have enough children already?" Those stung so bad. All I wanted was someone to say "I'm sorry", I would have been ok with people's stories of their own losses, a hug, anything. I felt as if my grief was being tossed aside. Just because it wasn't born yet, didn't make it less our child.
While pregnant with Fiona Rose, I posted on Facebook that I realized I had lost 1/3 of my pregnancies, and how sad that made me. I feel blessed for all of my children, but still sad for those that never made it Earthside. Someone posted that I should be grateful for the 6 healthy kids I had. Was I not showing enough gratitude because I was openly grieving? It is ok to grieve the loss of a child whether they were born or not. It is ok to be sad even if you were pregnant for only 6 weeks, or 5 months. That child was already in your heart even if they were not yet in your arms.
And it is ok for someone to grieve openly, it is ok to say you are a sorry for their loss and to offer a hug. You do not need to make it better, or try and make it go away. If it makes you uncomfortable, look inside yourself and see why that is. Even if you had a miscarriage yourself, that doesn't mean that everyone deals with the loss the same way. It is ok for the mother to weep, and be angry and feel as if they were unjustly hurt. Look at the loss the same way you would if they had lost any child. What would you say, what would you do for them? And please, please do not tell them they are better off. It never feels that way, ever.


Pepper B said...

Yes, yes, yes and yes.... My heart goes out to you. After 10 years of IVF and losing nearly 90 embryos, I've heard all the platitudes and, frankly, stupid things people say. Grief for our littles bubbas is very very real. Hugs to you.

momto5 said...

i'm so sorry for your loss as well. i can't even imagine how are that has been on your family. ((hug))