Thursday, February 7, 2013

In my head

I am beginning to think that having too much unsupervised time in my own head probably isn't the very best idea for me at this point. We have been stuck at home for weeks now with a nasty, lingering yuck that seems to keep making an endless loop through my children. This has meant no park days with the homeschool group, many days of not even getting dressed, endless nights coughing, waking up to cranky kids with their eyes glued shut, a house that seems to be slowly falling a part as I stumble about trying to keep everything from toppling over. I am tired, lonely, and if I am honest... I am a mess.
I am also finding that I am having to put my words for the year into use. Fiona is busting out her personality full force. She is a wee little spit fire, like her great grandma Teresa and her nanny. Head strong, has no fear of any sort of danger, will not take NO for an answer, cries hard, loves hard, plays hard, and falls into restless night sleeps at the end of incredibly busy days (for a two year old). I am going to be making some hard choices here about what we can and can not do because I just need to keep her from killing herself as she runs straight off the bed, climbs onto the dinner table and tries to climb off into mid-air, she can not be left alone for even a minute. There have been days where I literally can not recall when I last showered because I can not leave her with her older brothers so I can wash myself in 3 minutes.
I am having to embrace this new life, this new way of doing things, and surrender to it. I can complain and weep about it (which I have) or I can just say "This is how it is right now" and go with the flow. That seems to be a challenge for me, to just surrender to my life, I seem to want to fight all the changes, fight all the new things. I get comfy with how things are.... not very Buddhist. You know, the only true constant is change. And that is what is happening here, change. So I have been arguing with myself and all those demons that are pushing me to not accept this, all those demons that DEMAND my attention, that want me to fight and cry and complain and struggle. But to be honest, it is just too hard to fight this hard over life. It is too hard to be angry and frustrated every. single. day. So what if the house isn't tidy all day long. So what if the dishes pile up, so what if the laundry just never gets folded, so what if all I end up doing in one day is play in the front yard?
You know, you get this one chance, this one life... I am not sure mine will be best spent fighting so hard to keep things the same. I think it is better to just flow, relax, enjoy, love, surrender, and embrace.


no spring chicken said...

I enjoyed your honest assessment of where you are at right now. Change. It doesn't stop and the sooner we realize we must go with the flow the less rattled we'll be when we're thrown another curve ball! :)

I sent up a prayer for your peace of mind and patience until you are all well enough to venture out again.

Blessings, Debbie

Rachel Garner said...

I have been feeling the very same way with my little one! Last week she got hold of a sharpie and colored all over her wall in her room and cut her hair. Last year, her dad took her to the river to look at the fish. She got so excited, she jumped in. That left him to jump in after her. I hope your feeling will soon!

fairymom said...

It seems again we are living with very similar issues. From feelings to 2 yos that challenge us daily. I even have had the same with showering. I now only shower when my husband is here to care for the children.

I search for a little light each day. Some are easier than others. Ivy been struggling since before the holidays, fighting to get back where I was.

Ty for honesty.

SuzyQ said...

This winter has been really tough on us too. Lots of horrible bugs and cabin fever :(
Sometimes the little unexpected joys are the things that keep us going through these hard seasons.
Sending love, hugs and lots of sympathy :)

Sara said...

Wow thank you for this. I am in a similar boat. My 1.5 year old isn't afraid of anything. And so climbs everything. One climb recently resulted in several stitches and another ended with her tooth piercing through her lip. So I'm there with you! I leave her buckled in her high chair while I shower. She screams but it's the only way to keep her safe and to keep she and her sister from pulling each others hair out. Some day this will all be a distant memory! Hang in there!