Learning to let it all go, excepting what is, being ok with it and then moving on is such a hard, but most valuable lesson. I have struggled for so long with this. Just being who I am and people will either like me or not, I have no control over that. It is sort of funny that I was talking to Mike about this tonight, about me once again remembering this lesson and then while knitting late at night what should be on the TV but Oprah's Life Class (ok I know, give me a break.) and they were talking about Ego. One woman said (and I only caught just this little bit of what she had to say) that when people tell you something it is only them giving you their observation, what YOU do with it is your own deal. I know this. I know I have no control over what others think or do or say. I know that no one can MAKE me mad, sad, feel dumb or ugly, but knowing it and living it, well that is something else. And then being strong enough to take it in, mull it over, feel what you need to feel and then MOVE ON, well man... that is just hard. It is for me at least.
I feel like some people and some times in your life are there for the very reason to teach you this lesson. When we moved to Maine I had an experience with someone that was so the opposite of what I thought it should be, and it tore me up. When our relationship ended (and not well) I was so hurt and I let it eat at me and eat at me. I blamed her, I blamed me, I blamed whatever. I talked and talked about it, dreamed about it, lost sleep about it. For months it was all I thought about. Not 5 minutes would go by that it didn't surface in my head and make me so unhappy. What I have come to realize after ohhh about 2 years now is that I can not be everyone's friend. Some people just won't have me, and I can't do anything about it. I don't want to change to be whatever everyone wants, they either except me or they do not. And when they do not, I need to just move on from it. It is my Ego that keeps me thinking about it, keeps me thinking that they are thinking about it. Sort of funny, I am sure while I was loosing sleep over it and miserable she was living her life probably not giving me an extra thought at all, yet there I was carrying her around constantly.
One of my favorite quotes is "Experience is the teacher that gives you the test first, and then the lesson" (C.F. Burnish) and it is so true.