Late last night I had one of my full on anxiety attacks. I worry about dying, my dying. Dying and not seeing enough or doing enough, which usually leaves me paralyzed to do anything at all. I normally try to avoid dipping into that deep dark hole that is my anxiety. I will cry, or cuddle up with Mike or both. I try not to "deal" with it because it just seems so big and crazy and I feel so small and weak and have no ability to actually DO anything about it. But last night I just let it play out, I just let it do its thing. In a way it was sort of a Buddhist meditation on impermanence. What does it all mean, why are we here, what difference does it make if we do one thing or another? In the end we all die, all of us, and in the end end our planet will die no matter how we treat it. No matter how we compost, how clean we live, no matter how many children we have, it doesn't matter. In about 4.5 billion years the sun will die and so will earth. And honestly we are a young species. I don't think we are the end result of all of the evolution, we are just one time in history. Does it matter if I homeschool or breastfeed, or if I buy organic or if I become an IBCLC? Does it matter if I do anything at all? When in the end, the very end no one will ever even know we existed at all. In the end we will be nothing but star dust, from whence we came. We will all disappear and our brief time in the history of the universe will be over and than what?
I have no idea what. I don't have the answers, I don't think any one does. I am not even sure what to do with this realization except that I don't feel all anxious about it. A little sad I guess, but not anxious. I am not sure if it will make me change what I am currently doing or not doing. But when I finally did fall asleep last night at around 2 AM, I wasn't freaked out. I wasn't scared I would die in my sleep.
I have been on Facebook (I KNOW not even 40 days), and I read what people write and look at the pictures and I think... what does it all mean? What am I suppose to do with this stuff, this information? When I read blogs it is the same thing... what does it all mean? What do I do with this stuff I keep filling my head with. I keep getting these feelings that I need to HURRY UP and DO something. Get land, grow all our food, get some bees, knit a house full of sweaters, I am not doing enough. I am not good enough, I am not doing my part. But what is that? What am I suppose to do? Anything at all? I don't know.
Money is a constant worry here at the Hawkes Nest. Last night it was almost humorous! Money, what a joke. We spend so much of our precious little time on earth trying to get it, spend it, save it, but to what end? What does it truly mean in the scheme of things? In the great big, huge scheme of things? In all the universe what is a dollar bill? Or a billion dollars? Why do we hate over money, keep people down with money? Why do we even care about it like we do? And if we are the only beings in all of the universe who are sentient, what a waste of this gift of awareness. And yet, you can not get along on earth with out some money. Again... what does it all matter in the end? How will we go out? In a big wad of cash? I don't know.
The last few nights the moon has been amazingly HUGE. Huge and yellow as it rises, like a big wheel of cheese in the sky. Who stops and even looks at it? Who sees that amazing gift we have in our sky night after night? We miss so much when we are so focused on so much trivial stuff. I am oh so guilty of this. Fighting with the kids about fighting with each other, spending time sitting on my butt in front of this blasted computer, worrying about the bills, worrying about relationships, worrying about worrying.
Again I have no idea. I don't know. I am not sure I even want to know really. I mean what if I found out... what if it all means nothing? I am not sure I want to know that, or at least I am not ready to know that 100%. But than, I don't think anyone will truly know 100% what our purpose is, maybe it is just to be the stepping stone for the next stage of evolution. Is that such a bad thing?
oh, baby woke up from her nap. Must get to nursing.